Sunday, December 18, 2011

Violated in so Many Ways

Dear Lizzie,

I am at the end of my rope. I don't know if men can write you to but I figured my wife is acting all crazy so you might be able to help  So what the hell.  My wife can not stop looking through my phone my emails anything that she can snoop through.  The other night it came to a head when I woke up and she was there with a flashlight with her head so far up my ass I had to get a crowbar to pry her out.  I can't live like this anymore.  It's a police state.   I don't know what to do but I'm about to clock the bitch....Signed Violated

Dear Violated

The thing about snooping is that if you look you better be prepared for what you find. And while some may say well if you don't have anything to hide her snooping wouldn't bother you, the invasion of your privacy is still very real.

Usually for a perfectly level headed woman to lose it to the extent you describe, something has hurt her and caused her to react from a place of fear, like her husband cheated on her. Often the snooping is a desire to feel in control and to have back that security she felt before the truth hit her in the face. You don't mention any change in behavior or betrayal of her so I can on say if that is the case then you just need to ride it out.  Do anything you can to let her know you love her - and clocking the bitch is not a way to show it.  Just saying.

The second reason might come as a shock to you but the suspicious mind is usually guilty.  She may be the one stepping out on you and realizing she is getting away with it, it dawned on her you might be doing the same.  Yeah, that is kinda of a hard one to swallow I know but again clocking the bitch is not the answer. EVER

Barring either of these, then she is overcome with irrational jealousy. Irrational jealousy will tear a relationship apart faster than you can ask "Have you lost your mind?" It is insidious and passive aggressive and just plain aggravating.  One way to fix her is to let her get an eye full of what she thinks she is looking for.  Naked pictures of other women, or make a fake email and send yourself smutty messages with a fake woman's name.

Or if you really want to stop this all, use a man's name, make it naked men pictures.  She won't know what to do BUT  I bet she won't snoop anymore because she doesn't really want to admit anything like that about you.  At this point you may be the one in danger of getting clocked (so NOT the answer)  but I bet your problem is solved.

Finally, since I am not aware of the whole situation, please whatever you do make sure you do it responsibly.  Perhaps some couple therapy to get to the bottom of this would be the best bet.  Sounds like she already has been to the bottom.... but yeah, it needs to be consensual.

from the looney bin,

Friday, December 16, 2011

Sweating Him at the Gym

Reader Mail:

Dear Lizzie, 

Everyday I go to the gym to work out and there is this totally hot guy that is there at the same time as me.  Every once in awhile I will catch his eye but he seems shy and I have tried everything from cute workout outfits to new perfume to get him to notice me more and talk to me.  Got any ideas how to get his attention?  

signed,  Sweating Him 

Dear Sweating Him,

Well it seems to me if you have tried everything you can think of to get his attention and it hasn't worked, maybe he just isn't interested.  Maybe he has a girlfriend or he is not into girls.  Clearly he isn't that into you.  How far do you want to go with this?  There comes a point when it isn't cute and you are just embarrassing yourself.  If you are hell bent on getting his attention though I have a suggestion 
Get on the treadmill and halfway through your run just stop and let the treadmill fling you back into the wall.  A real blooper moment.  If that doesn't get his attention then please please just move on.  
If he does indeed come around and ask you out make sure you are ok going with a guy didn't notice you until you made a complete fool of yourself and be prepared to never live it down.  I once dated a guy who noticed me after I ran into a wall, slightly inebriated.  I had to listen to him tell the story to everyone he introduced me to.  You got to wonder what makes a guy like that tick.  And note that I said used to date.

from the looney bin,

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

How is your Love Life?

Love is crazy.  Tell me I am wrong.  The problem people, is that we aren't looking at it from the right perspective - you need to see it through someone else's eyes.  

Now I am not suggesting that my perspective is better than anyone else's.  I'm cracked and my love life is as crazy as any one's.  Well probably more so since it involves all sorts of dysfunction including ...well all sorts of weird things that would make most people run for the hills and think oh hell no! 

Who better to make your life better than someone whose is a hot mess.  
I may not be able to tell you how exactly to fix it - I am no expert BUT I can certainly tell you how not to ... and by default you get a new perspective and find a different way to approach a difficult situation and Voila!

It may be better.

So I'm just here to tell it like it is for me. And dole out free advice on how to not be where I am.  Go ahead and ask questions - I will give you my honest thoughts on your dilemmas   Make you laugh and think thank goodness I don't have to worry about that.  No matter how bad it is - someone has it worse.  I promise you.  

I am taking a break from love.  For like 5 minutes and then I will be back in it.  I have a lot to say and a whole blog to do it in.  

So how is your love life?  

from the looney bin.