Something that Makes Sense

 

Coming to the end of another year, and still I look for something that makes sense.

I made a decision to make every connection and every interaction meaningful.  I put too much emotion and thought and energy into every connection to be able to have something that isn't meaningful very much longer.  I am tired.

 

Since that time it has been oddly apparent to me that the rest of the world seems to be doing the opposite.  Not the rest of the world as in everybody but society as a whole seems to be on the fast track to not feeling anything.  Or trying not to anyways. 

 

I see it in people who want to not be lonely, want to find love, yet have been hurt and use that as an excuse to keep people at arms length, not letting anyone give them what they truly want, and yes even need, because the number one thing that is ruling their actions and thoughts is fear.  Fear of being hurt again. 

 

I am more afraid of not ever being loved and loving someone.  I will risk my heart a few more times because at the end of my time, I don't think it is any great accomplishment to say I was only hurt once. 

 

Woohooo that is living.  No it is hiding.  We only get to do this once and playing it safe, while in theory sounds good, makes no sense. 

 

I met someone who intrigues me.  I like him and we hit it off pretty well.  He understands me, not completely but better than most, or at the very least, he tolerates my quirks and it makes me feel ok, and a little braver.  Or did.  

 

From there to now, it is like we have gone backwards and  I do not get it.  I have done nothing wrong, I haven;t acted the crazy chick, I haven't pushed, even he said so, yet at junctures that should bring us closer ...  I am being pushed away. 

 

I don;t like the way it makes me feel.  But I can not let it go.  I write, I draw I try to express my emotions and need for understanding because at this point, I think that if I could understand, fit the puzzle pieces together, I would be happy to let him go and move on.  Not because he is not worth it.  Because he has built a wall and I am not in the business,  nor have the energy to tear them down anymore. 

 

I don't blame him, I have been hurt, badly too.  And letting go of baggage is sometimes impossible, because sometimes the hurt and the effect is so deep and so reflexive that we aren;t even aware of what we are doing.  It takes some real effort to be open and willing to let someone come into your world again after being hurt. 

 

I drew him a picture for Christmas, I put thought and heart into it.  I guess maybe somewhere in my mind I thought it would melt his heart a little.  There is a longing I can not put a name to, a need to have him see me and what I have to offer. 

 

Sometimes, I feel like blowing up his phone, I have once or twice on a mini blow up level.  I have outright asked him if he wants to not be someone to me, I am afraid to ask if I am anything to him anymore.  He said we are friends.  No we could have been, we were well on the way to being more.  I would have been happy, for awhile anyways, with having him as a friend.

 

Now I would be happy to have a reason that makes sense.  Something that explains it - something other than the only thing I can come up with and that is my illness. 

 

I would crumple, devastated if it is that.  If it is that and he couldn't tell me. 

 

He couldn't give me something that makes sense because I don't make sense. 

 

How do you fix that?  How do you get brave enough to try again after that? 

 

What makes sense when you are rejected for something that you can;t help, you didn't ask for and don;t deserve anymore than anyone who has it?

 

I just want something that makes sense.   And I am starting to think the only thing that makes any sense, is to be alone.  Kind of ironic, someone with the capacity to love more fiercely because everything is bigger and more than usual, better off alone.

 

Left alone, I am more stable but aching all the time, looking for what is missing. 

 

I don;t want to be alone, I want to be loved and love, I want to make sense to someone, I want to be held and touched and have everything click into place when I am, that moment when  not just something but everything, makes sense. 

 

from the Looney Bin.

Lizzie

 

 

Love and Hate, it is just a Fine Line

Have you ever heard the term

There is a fine line between love and hate. ?

It gets tossed around quite a bit.  And once you are familiar with it and ever in the position to understand why anyone would even say it - it makes sense.

To me it always made sense on a basic level even before I felt it.  But I see the world in color and the color of love and the color of hate are only separated by a few shades of gray.  Everything is to me.  Between black and white is a whole spectrum of color and they are all varied by the amount of gray.

So on a visual  level I understand the fine line, but on a emotional level it took a little longer to really get it.

Some might say the opposite of love is hate.  The opposite of love is indifference.  When you could care less and don't even think about the person that you loved for eternity just (insert time period here)  ago, when you can honestly say that it makes no difference to what they do or how they do it or if they win the lottery or end up ....how they end up, that is when you say you no longer love.

The line that divides love and hate is what we think.

Both are emotions of extremes.  Deep, passionate, consuming.  The physical reaction is equally similar and what labels it as love, or hate, is what you think about whatever or whoever it is causing this reaction in you.  Negative thoughts are hate, positive love .

How many of you have ever been in an argument with the person you consider the love of your life and were so mad at them and so frutrated or hurt that you blurted out  I hate you ?

Never?

Its not becasue you aren't capable of hating that person, becasue if you can love them with all you heart and being, in the right,  ok wrong circumstances, you can hate them too.

Think about all the characters in literature that started out antagonists. In reading or watching a play or a movie even , it is sometimes clear as day to the audience that these two people who quibble and harp and sometimes even hurt each other or go to great lengths to make each others lives difficult are really attracted to each other.  And then of course there is the opposite where they are in unending love and end up hating - War of the Roses Comes to Mind.

You watch these two people and how they try to destroy each other and you just want to say but ...but ..... you love each other.

One common denominator is passion.  Whatever it is you think about this person, it invokes strong emotion, and you throw your energy into them.  One way or the other, passionately

So what does it mean if someone who loved you, and you loved tells you I hate you?  Not just the passing hate you,  or  like the casual love you sometimes given on the phone or with people who know you love them but you just want to remind them - like your kids when they go to school.  Bye love you...

I mean with feeling.   Vehemently!  With foot stamping,  possible tears from the overwhelm of emotion going on I HATE YOU!

Well it means we are still passionate about each other.  It means it still matters.

If it still matters is it worth trying to come to the middle?

I can fathom a love/hate relationship.  Same side of the color spectum, a few shades of gray in between the  passion, depth, limitlessness,  expansiveness the feeling it - the commitment to it.   The words are just to make it easy yet they make it hard.

A disorder of the emotions, being ruled but how you feel and having that change unexectedly at any moment, being on a roller coaster and the ups and downs of it,  and loving someone who has their own issues that make love and hate normal,  can really give you a new understanding of a love hate relationship.  There is nothing weird about it.  I try to not act on the bad feeling when I feel it, as in not blurt out the I hate you, because it will pass.   I probably, becaue of that, don't say I love you enough.

It doesn't do the feeling justice.

Sometimes I love you just isn't enough.  I feel you...would be weird but a more likely explanation.

My mom once told me when I was a  little girl that it isn't love that determines the success of a marriage it is commitment.  Commitment is what allows you to, when you wake up one morning and look at the person next to you and say "what the hell and I doing with the this person?" ,  not act on those bad feelings, the gray areas.  Commitment is what keeps you there, and motivates you to find the middle.

How many people, acting on the gray area, the crossing of the fine line have tossed in the towell  only to be devastated when it all comes full circle? 

It's when the feeling stops that you know. 

Love me or hate me, if it comes from feeling me, I am ok with it becasue it  means I matter.

From the Looney Bin

Lizzie