Thursday, December 27, 2012

Something that Makes Sense



Coming to the end of another year, and still I look for something that makes sense.

I made a decision to make every connection and every interaction meaningful.  I put too much emotion and thought and energy into every connection to be able to have something that isn't meaningful very much longer.  I am tired.
Since that time it has been oddly apparent to me that the rest of the world seems to be doing the opposite.  Not the rest of the world as in everybody but society as a whole seems to be on the fast track to not feeling anything.  Or trying not to anyways. 
I see it in people who want to not be lonely, want to find love, yet have been hurt and use that as an excuse to keep people at arms length, not letting anyone give them what they truly want, and yes even need, because the number one thing that is ruling their actions and thoughts is fear.  Fear of being hurt again. 
I am more afraid of not ever being loved and loving someone.  I will risk my heart a few more times because at the end of my time, I don't think it is any great accomplishment to say I was only hurt once. 
Woohooo that is living.  No it is hiding.  We only get to do this once and playing it safe, while in theory sounds good, makes no sense. 
I met someone who intrigues me.  I like him and we hit it off pretty well.  He understands me, not completely but better than most, or at the very least, he tolerates my quirks and it makes me feel ok, and a little braver.  Or did.  
From there to now, it is like we have gone backwards and  I do not get it.  I have done nothing wrong, I haven;t acted the crazy chick, I haven't pushed, even he said so, yet at junctures that should bring us closer ...  I am being pushed away. 
I don;t like the way it makes me feel.  But I can not let it go.  I write, I draw I try to express my emotions and need for understanding because at this point, I think that if I could understand, fit the puzzle pieces together, I would be happy to let him go and move on.  Not because he is not worth it.  Because he has built a wall and I am not in the business,  nor have the energy to tear them down anymore. 
I don't blame him, I have been hurt, badly too.  And letting go of baggage is sometimes impossible, because sometimes the hurt and the effect is so deep and so reflexive that we aren;t even aware of what we are doing.  It takes some real effort to be open and willing to let someone come into your world again after being hurt. 
I drew him a picture for Christmas, I put thought and heart into it.  I guess maybe somewhere in my mind I thought it would melt his heart a little.  There is a longing I can not put a name to, a need to have him see me and what I have to offer. 
Sometimes, I feel like blowing up his phone, I have once or twice on a mini blow up level.  I have outright asked him if he wants to not be someone to me, I am afraid to ask if I am anything to him anymore.  He said we are friends.  No we could have been, we were well on the way to being more.  I would have been happy, for awhile anyways, with having him as a friend.
Now I would be happy to have a reason that makes sense.  Something that explains it - something other than the only thing I can come up with and that is my illness. 
I would crumple, devastated if it is that.  If it is that and he couldn't tell me. 
He couldn't give me something that makes sense because I don't make sense. 
How do you fix that?  How do you get brave enough to try again after that? 
What makes sense when you are rejected for something that you can;t help, you didn't ask for and don;t deserve anymore than anyone who has it?
I just want something that makes sense.   And I am starting to think the only thing that makes any sense, is to be alone.  Kind of ironic, someone with the capacity to love more fiercely because everything is bigger and more than usual, better off alone.
Left alone, I am more stable but aching all the time, looking for what is missing. 
I don;t want to be alone, I want to be loved and love, I want to make sense to someone, I want to be held and touched and have everything click into place when I am, that moment when  not just something but everything, makes sense. 
from the Looney Bin.

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